A former film critic has chucked it in and now reviews movies before either of you have seen them.

TOY STORY

Once upon a time - about twenty five years ago actually - there was a crappy BBC tv programme called 'Andy Pandy', a capital extensive kiddies confection based on the premise that while the unseen human characters are out of the room, the toys (in this case, dolls) come to life, do very little, sing a song and then return to the box where they normally reside. Another tv programme featuring animated inanimate objects was 'Bagpuss' which was also pretty crappy but did at least have a larger SFX budget, one that allowed a frog to play a banjo and a severely distressed cloth cat to be restored every week to pristine condition without the aid of computer morphing. These days, however, film-makers spend millions of dollars playing god; utilising state of the art technology to bring objects to life in way that defies logic, thus creating movie magic. We understand puppetry and we understand stop-motion photography but how many cine-illiterate and technophobic movie-goers will ever comprehend the principles behind the digital miracles that are 'Toy Story' or 'Indian in the Cupboard' before it. Ironically and maybe reassuringly, as the technology has become increasingly sophisticated, the stories themselves - while embracing modern politically correct notions and pop culture references - do not seem to have evolved a great deal or at least to have moved away from the simplistic, black and white moral universe within which most children's films have historically existed. If anything, they have become more sentimental and less terrifying than earlier examples of the genre, such as the Grimm fairy tales or even some of Disney's demonic creations. The monsters are...well...less monstrous. Anyway, 'Toy Story' is in all probability an adult film for children, given its 'knowing' po-mo script and top-notch voice-over cast, which includes Tom Hanks and the extremely engaging Tim Allen of 'Home Improvement' fame. Allen's son in the tv sitcom is played by Jonathan Taylor Thomas who supplied the voice for Simba in 'The Lion King' which also featured the talents of Rowan Atkinson, the rubber-faced comedian whose cinematic CV includes a part in Mel Smith's 1989 effort, 'The Tall Guy'. Now, if you recall, the latter movie starred Jeff Goldblum and Emma Thompson who at the time was nothing more than a failed tv comedienne with a famous father. Excuse me? Famous father - who he? Why, Eric Thompson of course! The man who brought 'The Magic Roundabout' to these shores and re-dubbed the original French episodes, creating psychedelic storylines which nobody understood (and which were probably drug-related/inspired). Great man. Great programme. Which brings me nicely to another memorable toy story: 'Child's Play 3'. Oh, alright. Some other time maybe... 0 out of 10

OSCARS ROUND-UP

Another year passes and another pool of cinematic self abuse is sicked-up by Hollywood and lapped-up by a billion wannabe starfuckers, like myself, licking our lips at the prospect of catching a glimpse of our favourite movie idols making up the celestial shindig at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion; a unique mingling of multimillion dollar testosterone and celluloid pulchritude that is unthinkable in any other place or at any other time and the cost of which in any case is totally unaffordable - or should I say, astronomical - for mere humans unless, that is, your name is Barry Norman and you possess both a pair of hefty knee-pads and a penetrative tongue. 'So what about the results' I hear you ask. Both of you.. Well, Nicolas Cage won the Best Actor Oscar for his performance in 'Leaving Arizona'. He plays a deadpan alcoholic scriptwriter who loves Elvis and has to guard some redneck babies...no...sorry, that's Vampire's Honeymoon in 'Red Rock West' in which he plays a deadpan loser/psychopath who wins the New York Lottery and then beats some poor sap's brains out before jumping out of a plane. Or was it 'Guarding Tess', the remake of 'Driving Miss Daisy Crazy', in which he plays a deadpan bodyguard who etc.etc. Other results: Emma Thompson won the Best Adapted Screenplay award for 'Dumb and Dumber' I think; Mel Gibson picked up two Oscars for 'Braveheart' - a surprising turn of events given that the film is absolute toss. And a whole bunch of other people won prizes for a load of stuff which I can't be bothered to write about. Needless to say, Scorsese was ignored for the second decade in a row. (By the way, the event did serve one useful purpose: to confirm my 'De Niro: Four Degrees of Separation' theory, which proposes that all Hollywood 'players' are four degrees or less of separation away from Robert De Niro. Nic Cage's uncle, Francis Ford Coppola directed 'Godfather II'; Emma Thompson was/is married to the star/director of recent flop/travesty 'Mary Shelley's Frankenstein'; one of Mel Gibson's co-stars in 'Lethal Weapon 2/3' was Joe Pesci; Kevin Spacey - Best Supporting Actor - appeared in 'Glengarry Glen Ross' with Al Pacino, who starred in 'Heat'; and Best Supporting Actress Mira Sorvino's father played Paulie Cicero in 'Goodfellas'. I could go on but I really can't see the point in doing so. My life is far too tragic already. 0 out of 10

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